At 44, it might be a tad bit ridiculous of a question to ask yourself, but indulge for a bit. Answer it, write it down, review it. So these answers probably show up in the form “I am …”
Let’s take me for example
I am a 44 year old dude born in the Caribbean of East Indian ethnicity now living in the United States working at a Software engineering career over the past ~20 yrs, married with a house in the suburbs, father of two …
And you can see the “list of who I am” just keeps going on and on and on. Kinda sounds like patches of an orbituary. But, is this who I am? Maybe. Also, if we temporarily accept this is a valid answer, does it really matter?
The value of understanding our essential nature, our identity.
We must be careful to distinguish what we have vs what we are. Eg if I have a shoe, does that make me a shoe? Obviously, not! But, does owning a shoe alter my identity? If I was totally wrapped up w/ the idea of owning shoes and made it an integral part of my life then maybe. How integral? Let’s explore a friend, Punky Shoester:
- Owns 10 shoes, one for each occasion (you know what they are!)
- Hand polishes the fine leather each Sunday evening with only the finest polish from Serbia
- There is definitely a best brand (aka ready to throw down)
- Doesn’t really know what it’s like to walk around barefooted
Now take this idea and apply it to anything you have. E.g. in my blurb of an answer above, having kids, society would (rightfully) label me as a parent. But is that part of my identity? More importantly, do I let it shoehorn me into a particular mindset along with who knows what sub/unconscious behavior in a similar way to our friend Punky Shoester.
The 3 steps
- Pay attention
- Accept what is, without judgement
- Respond instead of react